04 Aug What role does emotional hygiene play in your vulnerability?
This past Saturday, I was in Manchester speaking at an event that left me thinking long after I stepped off the stage. The topic was friendships, and as I looked out at the room, I could tell it struck a chord. People weren’t just politely listening; they were leaning in. We weren’t talking about friendships in the casual, social sense. We were talking about them as a vital ingredient for success, for longevity, for the kind of life that does not just burn bright for a season but stands the test of time.
That conversation has been echoing in my mind ever since, and it is what prompted me to start this new five-part series. Over the coming weeks, I am going to unpack the role that friendships play in not only achieving our goals but also ensuring we flourish along the way. We will look at how the people we keep close shape our thinking, influence our habits, and ultimately affect the trajectory of our lives. The first part, which you are reading now, is free for everyone. The remaining four will be for paying subscribers only. This is not just because I value the work I put into them, but also because I believe meaningful conversations deserve committed engagement.
We begin with something I have been calling emotional hygiene.
When it comes to relationships, especially friendships, it can be difficult to know how much to open up and when. There is often an assumption that vulnerability is always good, that sharing is always healthy, and that holding back means you are hiding. In my experience, that is only half the truth. I have learned that not everyone is called to carry your heart.
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” That is not a command to live in fear. It is a blueprint for wisdom. Guarding your heart does not mean building impenetrable walls. It means building gates. Gates are designed to open and close. They are selective, allowing you to choose what comes in and what goes out.
In my own life, I have learned to assess emotional hygiene with a simple question: “Can this person hold what I am about to share without weaponising it or diminishing it?” If I leave every conversation with someone feeling smaller, misunderstood, or emotionally drained, that is a sign that something is off. A healthy friendship does not just accept your vulnerability; it handles it with care.
Layers of Access
One of the things that stood out to me in Manchester is how many people resonated with this idea. Vulnerability is powerful, but it is also sacred. Jesus modelled this perfectly. He had many followers, but He did not invite everyone into His inner world. Of the twelve disciples, He only took three, Peter, James, and John up the mountain with Him. Even He had layers to access. So should we.
This is not about creating some elitist circle of friends who have to earn your heart. It is about being intentional. Research backs this up. Psychologists have long noted that emotional energy is finite. Dr. Robin Dunbar, a British anthropologist, famously proposed the idea of “Dunbar’s number” which suggests that humans can only maintain about 150 meaningful social relationships at a time. But within that 150, the closest layer is much smaller, usually around five people. These are the people you trust implicitly, the ones who can speak into your life without you putting up defences.